I don’t know who I really think of when I’m alone anymore. It used to be a mixture of many emotions I had for different people but now, being hours away from them I don’t care. I don’t miss them. I feel great not having to look over and seeing something that will provoke a sad memory of someone. I’m glad I don’t have to be in school seeing anyone I don’t want to. I’m just content doing my own thing and it makes me wonder if they ever really mattered. If they ever were anything significant to me. Because I lost all attachment within a 5 hour drive. I think I might just come back to port with an entirely different mindset, there’s so much more to life than stupid boys who live on long island.
Why should I ever let them control my happiness?
I need to travel more, it’s an amazing experience. Also, upstate is beautiful.
He had such warmth in his soul. His smile was always so genuine. His every action portrayed the young boy he still harbors in him.
This cruel world has damaged him so much, it’s such a shame. He is burdened with dark thoughts. Constant flows of negative energy. But he still shined nonetheless. He still woke up every day and did exactly what made him happy, he never gave up his character for society.
I know I’ve hurt him far more than anyone as perfect as him could be. And I know that took the biggest chunk of his heart. I’ll regret that forever, because I know he never deserved something like that. And today on this early morning, I find myself wondering why I ever let something and someone so real out of my life.
I look around and everyone is so empty, I look at boys and I feel nothing. There’s no emotion in any of them. He was one of the last men that could radiate any bit of happiness.
I’m sorry for letting that go. I’m sorry for ruining it.
But we’ve parted our ways and I find myself in a way of life that you should never be dragged into. And I’m scared because I don’t know where I’ll end up, whether I’ll get my shit together or just end up barely making it. But you, you’ll be fine. And that will bring me so much happiness, to know that you’re content in life.
If I cannot give you your happiness anymore, I thank god you’ve found it somewhere else. I’ll love you forever.
I think its crazy how much you can walk all over me, and I’d just appreciate the fact that atleast you touched me.
But you treat me like absolute shit, and it’s so obvious even to everyone else.
Why am I letting myself be used? I need to stop, I am miserable.
It’s getting late and I can’t sleep because I keep imagining scenarios of us. And it’s crazy how much I can think of you.
I should have avoided you, I should have never let you back in.
I don’t know if I would have been over you by now, but I wouldn’t have hurt so much to the point of crying. Crying over someone who isn’t and will never be my boyfriend or anything more than a hook up.
I was used, I can’t believe I fell for it. I fucking fell for the same fucking game. Again.
I just wanted something special but now I am empty.
I hate you, I really do.
I have this really strong urge to lay on your bed by your side.
Completely naked and bare right next to eachother.
I want to stare at the ceiling with a joint in my hand and play with the smoke.
I love watching the smoke rise up out of my mouth, the little dance it makes as it fades in with the rest of the air.
I want you to run your fingertips along my skin.
I want to stare into your eyes, without a single word said. Just listen to music and share a silent moment in your arms.
And I want to capture you. I want to take pictures of every part of your body that I love. I want to take a close up of your eyes, the beautiful brown color of your eyes, your long sweet eyelashes. Then I want to take a picture of your chin, how firm your jaw line is. Lined with hair, such a rugged look on a beautiful face. And ofcourse your lips, the pretty pretty pink they are, and I’d love to just sit there and kiss them. Over and over, I could never get tired.
I just want us to appreciate eachother in detail.
You’re so perfect, it’s crazy.
There was something so fascinating about you. The way you walked and talked, how you held onto your jeans when you stood up. How you smoked cigarettes through the side of your mouth, squinting your eyes with every pull. Like there just couldn’t be enough nicotine to satisfy you. This beast.
This beautiful beast. You were gifted with a face of an angel, the suave persona. You’re so attractive but that’s all it is. You can attract people, but you cannot keep them around.
I can’t get over you though, I just want to know who you are. I want to see inside you and figure it all out, I want to know what pains you, what makes you happy.
I like you. I like how you touched me. I like how you looked at me, how you begged for kisses. I like how much you tried.
But then I gave in, and you’ve had your taste of me. It’s as if that’s all you wanted. Ofcourse you come back for more, but it’s never the same.
You don’t look me in my eyes anymore. You see through me now. It hurts, but I could not have expected more from such an empty person.
I asked you one time why you always kissed me with your eyes slightly opened, and you said because I was just too pretty to close them. But now I am wondering if maybe you just didn’t feel enough passion to have wanted to close them. Maybe you are so damaged that kisses are no longer beautiful, they’re just a chore before sex comes. Because that’s all you ever feel anymore.
I don’t know what I did, I don’t how things changed so fast. But you’re not the same person. You’re empty, you’re a monster. You’ve left me open, spilling emotions that will never be mutual.
There’s nothing I can get from you besides sex, and that’s sad. But I was told a million times to never get involved and this is the price I pay.
The loneliness, the tease. You’re around but you’re not here.
I don’t know, I’m just stuck on something here, I’m not so sure what it is.
A hint of light in the dark
But only enough to keep from giving up
If I could go back to the start
To break the pattern forming between us
I know you probably never want to see me again. I did a terrible thing to you.
My biggest mistake other than hurting you was thinking you could fix me. Only I can fix me. I’d like to become a person who actually deserves to be with someone like you. I don’t know how long that will take, but I hope you’re around when it happens.