A hint of light in the dark
But only enough to keep from giving up
If I could go back to the start
To break the pattern forming between us
I know you probably never want to see me again. I did a terrible thing to you.
My biggest mistake other than hurting you was thinking you could fix me. Only I can fix me. I’d like to become a person who actually deserves to be with someone like you. I don’t know how long that will take, but I hope you’re around when it happens.
I think it’s the same for everyone at night but I’m just feeling alot of emotions at this particular moment. And I listened to “if it means alot to you”, and I’m gonna be honest - It put me in tears. The whole concept of the girl wanting him to “come home” really hit me hard. Because you can’t imagine how badly I want that from you. Home to me was you. You know I hate being in this house, around my parents. I never had a home until I met you. I felt more at home in your arms than I ever did under any roof. And I no longer have that home and it makes me feel so abandoned. So I just need you to come back. I really really do. Not just for me, but for you. I know I can treat you better than ever. I can be anything you needed. And I know it’s harder on your part to open yourself up to me again but I’m begging you to give me another chance.
Another part of the song that struck me was “we knew it’d happen eventually” because I remember saying “if we ever breakup” multiple times wondering how i could ever go to sleep at night without saying goodnight to you. Without getting a message back with a little kissy face. I haven’t gone to sleep with a smile on my face like I used to after saying goodnight to you. I haven’t woken up happy and looking forward to being able to hear from you. I miss the happiness you gave me. The memories we’d make everytime we saw eachother. The feeling you gave me even when you’d just look up at me and smile. The feeling I got when you would have your arms around me. Or walking down the street, our fingers interlocked. How we could talk about anything and everything. And always make jokes, like everything lit up when i was by your side.
The concept of “being lost without someone” has never felt so surreal to me.
Oh god, I don’t even know I just really fucking miss you. I hate not talking to you. I fucking absolutely hate it. You were my bestfriend, my everything and now I don’t even know how you are. I miss you, is all I’m really trying to say.
Idk I kind of don’t really want to be around all of this anymore. But then when I’m alone I realize how shitty I actually feel & it all sucks so much.
If things weren’t always so complicated maybe I could have just enjoyed my life for longer than a drunken night.
Being around all this destruction is just too much on my mind right now. Through my friends anxiety attacks, relationship problems and their drug addictions..I’m starting to wonder what kind of a world this is. Teenagers are so depressed now a days that we turn to alcohol and drugs. And there’s no one around to help us but eachother. My friend group is a giant circle of fucked up kids with fucked up thoughts from fucked up homes. & each weekend we all meet up and try to run away from reality together.
I want to kiss your head and hold you in my arms and let you know I’m here. I can’t fix you. But I’m here.
Am I the only one that can sleep at any given second during the day but can’t even close my eyes once night hits? It’s the scariest feeling to be the last in the house to go to sleep because it’s like the rest of the world has shut off. And here you are with your worst emotions and fears. There’s no type of emptiness that compares to sleepless, broken hearted nights.
I need better friends. Theyre all lost in their own world. And I guess I am too. I’m stuck in my own dilemma and its all i can think of. I just wish I could have friends that are actually here for me rather than only thinking about themselves.
I find myself thinking about your lips alot. How they moved when you talked, and smiled. How they swallowed your teeth when you closed your mouth.
The color of your eyes, your eyelashes. How perfect your eyebrows are.
How you touched me. How you put your hands on me.
I’ve been thinking about you alot and I keep noticing details that only make me miss you and it sucks.
And I promised myself I didnt have feelings but here I find myself thibking of you. And I cant stop. And its stupid because youre gone and youre gonna remain gone. And I should have never fell for it in the beginning but I did. And now im stuck on you. And I want to drop the emotions I have for you, get high and get drunk and just have fun but when I get high or drunk I just find myself wanting to be with you. And see you and kiss you and touch you. And to be touched by you. To be kissed on the cheek. To playfight. To just be liked by you again.
I just want a man to deal with me. I want to find a guy who knows Im sincere but I fuck up more often than not and I want someone to accept that about me because I cant fucking change it. I want someone to be goofy with me and watch cartoon networl while high, then sit in our underwears smoking cigarettes and talking about the meaning of life and then going on a walk without the constant need of holding my hand. I want to be able to just forget them for a week, have my personal time with no questions asked and I want to be able to return without any hesitation. I just feel like if I want a relationship or just a hookup I have to conform to these laws. Laws that make me feel caged and make me focus all my energy on just one thing. And it gets bad when I do that. I focus too much and I fuck shit up. I just need someone who understands. But thats so hard to come by. And now I cant even lay in bed without the constant thought of you. I hate it. I hate feeling something for you. But theres no escape.
I woke up with my heart in my stomach and a sunken feeling from my chest to my ribs, like someone stabbed me and ripped me open, my heart falling to my stomach. I hate waking up with physical pain when it started with emotional pain. I hate having my mind race. I hate being torn between shit.
What I do today will decide everything. Im scared.